Sharing my faith

I feel like Heavenly Father has been showering me with little teaching moments lately. The one that I've been pondering the past few days has to do with missionary work. Since we moved to Arizona last fall my missionary experiences have increased a couple hundred percent (not really an accomplishment since my previous missionary experiences were zero). I'm amazed at how affirming it has been for my own testimony to share and explain my beliefs to others. It's given me to a platform to share why I love my church and how the gospel blesses my life each day. It's fun people! However, I've also been surprised at how hard (almost scary) it has been to take the first step and begin the conversation with a potential investigator. I've missed some opportunities along the way because I haven't had the courage to open my mouth.

Why the lack of courage? Because I default to the belief that it's all up to me. And without His help it is kind of a terrifying prospect.

I don't rely enough on Him. I usually try and do "it"-whatever "it" is-by myself. (And then crash and burn. Not pretty.)

Anyway, I've been discouraged that our missionary efforts haven't followed the prescribed pattern of: an investigator a) meets with the missionaries and is taught the lessons b) reads/prays/studies c) feels the Spirit d) agrees to be baptized. That's the way it supposedly works when we talk about it in Sunday School or listen to a returned missionary's stories, right?

A few days ago, I picked up the most recent Conference edition of the Ensign and was skimming the table of contents. I really needed a talk to touch me and help me get through the day. I found myself intrigued by the title of Pres. Uchtdorf's talk from the April 2013 Young Women meeting "Your Wonderful Journey Home". And to my considerable surprise, these words were waiting for me:

"Life can be difficult, and it can harden hearts to the point where certain people seem unreachable. Some may be filled with anger. Others may mock and ridicule those who believe in a loving God. But consider this: though they do not remember, they too at one time yearned to return to their Father in Heaven. It is not your responsibility to convert anyone. That is the work of the Holy Ghost. Your task is to share your beliefs and to not be afraid."

It was amazing how light I felt after reading that. All that He's asked me to do is share my beliefs and not be afraid. I can do that. He's already promised that if I will just open my mouth He will fill it with the words I should say (D&C 33:8). He will make my feeble attempts enough and the real work of conversion was never mine to begin with.

So just like everything else in life, if we try and go it alone, our road will be impossibly difficult. But with the Lord "all things are possible". (Mark 10:27)

A little about me

Here's a little "taste" of what I've been up to lately-

The “Cherry Creamsicle” recipe: 1 cup coconut water, 1/2 cup frozen cherries, 1/2 cup frozen blueberries, 1/2 cup whole milk plain yogurt, zest and juice of one lemon, four stalks kale, handful spinach, half an avocado and 1 small frozen banana. Place all ingredients in a blender and blend till smooth.

I love this smoothie so much right now! It's the perfect breakfast for the hottest summer I've ever experienced.

I've been reading this. It is excellent. I'm learning so much.

I've also been busy-busy chasing this little one around. She is so fun! And fearless, which is a little nerve-racking. I'm weaning her right now and it is definitely bittersweet. I think she'd like to go on nursing forever. I've become quite soft in my old age so maybe I'll just let her.
Just kidding.

I'm really excited for our trip to Utah for Janeen's wedding. Can't wait to see all our family and friends.

The Bennetts go to the beach

So we bought this,

and we drove it here (Coronado island),

and we let the good times roll.

We made this sweet memory,

and spent lots of time doing this.

We watched quite a few shows up here.

She loved being outside in this.

We took some walks and petted lots of dogs in this.

He was the muscle.

Big brother was the happiest I've seen him in a long time.

We ate at this yummy spot on our way of town,

and made a wish in the fountain.

His face was my wish come true.

Of course she came too. (Have I mentioned how much I love her?)

And it really was the perfect little trip!

These two

One of the reasons I fell in love with Bryson is because I knew he'd be a wonderful father. However, I can say without reservation that he has surpassed all my expectations in that regard and each of our children adore him. And I adore watching them adore him.

For Valentine's day back in 2012, Bry took Eleyna on a "special date". They were supposed to do it again this year but for one reason or another it got put off. Well, it finally happened this month and, once again,  it was a pretty epic event for Eleyna. She put on her favorite dress and the Rapunzel jewelry she got for her birthday and off they went. For the activity, Bry took her to look at motor homes since we were trying to find one to buy at the time. Afterwards, he took her to dinner at PF Chang's (also known as "Mulan's chinese") where she got to eat rice with chopsticks like on their first Valentine's date. Bry told me when he got home that she talked to him the entire dinner. On Father's day when I asked Eleyna what she loves about her dad she told me, "He takes me on special dates."

The following Sunday I walked out to the family room and was immediately scolded by Eleyna to be quiet because Dad was sleeping. She then proceeded to tell me that she had "tucked him in" with her favorite blanket and her stuffed animals. As she's whispering all of this to me I'm trying not to crack up because I know there's no way Bryson just slept through all that. And sure enough he opened his eyes, half exasperated, half laughing, so I had her snuggle in for a picture.

So glad she has him.

Just a few randoms

These pictures are all from about a month ago but I thought they were too cute not to post. The first one is of Hunter and the lovely Miss Sam. Sam is my sanity-saver. She mainly helps me take care of Hunter, but she helps with the other kids and my house too. I love her. And Hunter loves her too-check out that contented face.

My little-big girl had a blast at her friend birthday party. Eleyna's enthusiasm for life is contagious and gloriously apparent to all.

Kyser, Nash and Eisley are my kids' favorite people EVA and we had so much fun when they came to visit. I love this sweet picture of the cousins together in front of the (soon-to-be-completed) Gilbert temple.

At the start of the month, these two ward buddies headed off to basketball camp at Queen Creek HS. I'm not sure who was more excited to be (back) in a high school basketball gym, me or my daughter. She may or may not have a future in sports but she sure loved "winning" her medal

Thoughts on the interview with Elder and Sister Bowen

Recently, I listened to an episode of "Converations" on The Mormon Channel with Elder and Sister Bowen. You might remember his talk from conference last year on the death of his little boy who swallowed the chalk. In my own words, here's a brief summary of what he said as he spoke about that experience in the interview.

Where doubt and fear exist, faith can't exist. The adversary uses experiences like losing a child to crush faith and embitter us. We need to remember that everyone is fighting a hard battle and that some trials are more visible than others, so be kind to everyone.  The pain won't get better right away, but it can become sweet as you turn to the Lord. The only thing that's important in this life is our covenants, that's where the peace comes. Remember that sometimes you just have to cry. Keep an eternal perspective and remember that we have everything. There are things more terrible than physical death. It has no sting because of the Atonement of Christ.

This last part, however, is what really struck me. Elder Bowen said,

"Spiritual death is what will bring the sting and that's what we have to protect against. Satan would take the physical things that happen and try and destroy testimony and destroy hope."

I know that statement may seem elemental, but the profundity for me, in that moment, was powerful. Such a simple truth and yet it can be one of the most difficult things to remember in the midst of a trial that assaults our physical senses. I think that as an intelligent, capable, strong, but "natural" woman, I default to responding to difficulty with my physical resources. Unfortunately, my own emotional, physical and mental resources (a pittance in comparison to what God has to offer) are quickly depleted in the face of intense trial. I begin to suffer spiritually because invariably as I try-in vain-to do things on my own, I'm turning away from the Savior. The harder I try, the farther I feel from God. I believe this is generally when, from the depths of humility we turn back to Heavenly Father and physically and spiritually surrender our load, or Satan delivers the fatal blow to hope and testimony.

Final thought by Elder Wirthlin from his iconic conference talk, Come What May, and Love It.

"Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome."

Family update - Sunday edition

My little otter is now a seal!

To kick things off, this little beauty turned FIVE this week! She also advanced from her beginning level swim class to the next class up. She was so excited to ring the bell and have her teacher announce she was moving up. Afterwards, we went and got donuts and slushies from the QT to celebrate. I love how the simplest things make children feel special.

On her birthday we went to our first summer movie, "Mirror, Mirror", in the morning. Eleyna really liked it which I wasn't expecting since it isn't animated. Another sign she's growing up on me. We got lunch right there at the mall and then we went to Build-A-Bear. She picked a My Little Pony, Rainbow Dash to be precise. That night we did her birthday dinner (mac n' cheese) and birthday cake and presents. It was a fun day.

When Eleyna gets overloaded or really tired I end up with pictures like this where she can't focus long enough to look at the camera.

Thursday, on an impulse I got Hunter out of his wheelchair and laid him on the floor by Bria. I don't usually do this because I worry about her pulling out his feeding tube and the floor isn't too comfy for Hunter. She made a beeline for Hunter and started climbing on him and touching his face. It was really sweet for me to watch these two, my oldest and my baby, interact with each other. Hunter tolerated it in his patient way and actually fell asleep just laying on the floor after I'd taken baby away for her nap.

On Friday, Ty and Leigh came to town with their kiddos and it has been a party ever since! It is so fun to have visitors, especially cousins. Family is such a blessing.

Pavilions

"The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of 'Thy will be done,' create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time." -Pres. Eyring (Oct 2012 GC)

I've been thinking about this concept of pavilions the past few days. I read a blog post recently written by an LDS woman who spent the majority of her post outlining how strictly she adhered to "certain standards" such as regular scripture study, morning and evening prayer and temple attendance, during a crisis of her faith. She made it pretty clear that she'd done everything she was supposed to as she sought answers for some difficult questions she was wrestling with. She followed the prescribed "formula" that Church leaders have long assured members will help them find clarity and peace. However, the opposite occurred for the author of the post. To make a long story short she left the church and is no longer sure if God even exists anymore.

I thought a lot about how this could have happened since I believe that if you're living righteously and, "if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 10:4).

But I've come to realize that I actually do understand how this happens better than I initially thought-and the reason is pavilions.

You see, there's been a pavilion covering me for almost a year. My own anguished prayers of pleading during that time seemed to be falling on deft ears. As my suffering dragged on unabated, my heart was tempted to anger with the Lord. I felt empty, frozen. Even though the "feeling" was missing I continued going through the motions drawing heavily on the strength of the stalwart people around me. My own desires, rather than a feeling of "Thy will be done", were driving how I was expending my energy and best efforts. As a result I felt more exhausted than at any other time in my life. Not only had I erected a pavilion but I was using all of my strength to keep it positioned squarely over my head.

At this juncture, my own desires were incrementally leading me away from Heavenly Father and I know if I'd allowed myself to stay on that path where inevitably it would have gone. However, over the past few months, as I renewed my efforts again to make scriptures, prayer, church and temple priorities in my life, my heart started softening. Almost imperceptibly, I was submitting my will to His and I was beginning to feel his care and closeness once more. The last of my pavilion came down this weekend, sitting in the ER with Hunter. The result: peace at last. There is still apprehension in my heart for the future, but I'm resolved to make the decision to choose faith, one day at a time.

The material point is this. If God feels distant and inaccessible, the problem is on our end. Always on our end. He may be trying to manifest truth to us, but if we've erected a barrier between ourselves and God then the truth can't reach us. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this is something that each person must learn for themself. And for now I'm just happy to be on the other side of that lesson.

One year older and wiser too! Happy birthday...

...to you! Bryson's birthday is actually tomorrow but we had our little family party tonight. The weekend festivities I had planned had to be postponed because all our kids have been sick, including Hunter who spent the day in the ER on Friday. Still, it was fun to take some time tonight and celebrate the man who blesses our little family so much each and every day.

The traditional Bennett birthday cake picture. It was a blazing inferno by the time we got all the kids in place. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting-in case you were wondering.

So glad Hunter was home to celebrate his daddy's birthday.

Presents: Skull candy headphones, new socks, iTunes card

A little update from Arizona

So, I've been thinking about reviving the ol' blog for a while now. For one thing, Bryson gave me his old work laptop so I'll be able to sit and blog on the couch in the evenings. I almost never use the computer in my little office because I check my email and do other internet stuff (can't really use it to blog though) on my iPhone. Plus, once I sit down on the couch after everyone is tucked into bed, any activity that requires me to move from said spot is just too darn exhausting. I guess the other reason I've taken such a long hiatus from blogging is because I've sort of been turned off by the whole concept of it. After reading various posts that involved sharing with absolutely no filter whatsoever mistaken as candor, it soured things for me for a bit. (And made me worry about if I've ever been guilty of doing it!) Still, I've decided to give blogging a try again. Especially now that we live in a different state than most of our family and friends I can't deny that blogging is a great way to stay connected. So here's a little update on us, but mostly on my cute kidlets.

Happy Hunter.

When we moved to Arizona we decided to put Hunter in school. (He's never attended consistently in the past.) I wanted him to get to experience more of life outside the walls of his bedroom. To have the opportunity to interact with people outside of his immediate family. To give other people the chance to get to know him and feel of his sweet spirit. Facilitating his school experience has not been easy. Months have passed during which he was either too sick to attend or unable to because of conflicts with the district over Hunter's care at school. Still, when he was able to go it was really neat to watch him get on the bus in the morning and head off to school for some adventures. I think the best way to describe the past year with Hunter is that it's been really hard to see the forest for the trees. But I know the Lord has been there every step of the way, just waiting on me while I try and find my way. And I think I am.

Picking up Leynie at preschool. Here she is with her friends-little cuties!

My sweet Eleyna is growing and learning so quickly. It took her a while to settle in at her new preschool after we moved, but she's really blossomed the last couple of months. She's learning how to read right now and it's amazing. She's so fun to hang out with. When we run errands together we talk and laugh and have a great time. Today she asked me what a miscreant was (she heard the word on Ice Age) so we hashed that out over our muffins at Paradise. She's my bestie.

This kiddo makes me smile everyday.

Rock makes me scratch his back whenever I put him down for a nap or bed. He says, "Scratch back me mama." He loves going to the QuikTrip with his daddy for donuts. He tells Bryson when he walks in the door after work to go lay down so they can "fight". He routinely body slams Bria when they're playing which is so cute and frustrating. He gives the sweetest kisses and the way he says I love you is too precious. He loves hippos and "tick-tocks" (alligators). He is Eleyna's little shadow and wants to do everything that she does. I can't get enough of this kid.

Is this a tired face or what?

This little girl is my blessing from heaven. She is the sweetest, happiest little person. She has been a balm for soul during a really trying time. She's in to everything right now and on the verge of walking. She crawls as fast as her little arms and legs will carry her chasing her big brother and sister around the house. Trying to keep up with those two is exhausting work. Love this picture with her little tongue hanging out!

Life is good here in Arizona. We are very blessed. I love my babies and I sure feel lucky to hang out with these tiny people every day and to be married to their daddy. He's the best. Seriously. Whelp, until next time.

Hunter's 7th birthday video at OneTrueMedia.com

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