Pavilions

"The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of 'Thy will be done,' create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time." -Pres. Eyring (Oct 2012 GC)

I've been thinking about this concept of pavilions the past few days. I read a blog post recently written by an LDS woman who spent the majority of her post outlining how strictly she adhered to "certain standards" such as regular scripture study, morning and evening prayer and temple attendance, during a crisis of her faith. She made it pretty clear that she'd done everything she was supposed to as she sought answers for some difficult questions she was wrestling with. She followed the prescribed "formula" that Church leaders have long assured members will help them find clarity and peace. However, the opposite occurred for the author of the post. To make a long story short she left the church and is no longer sure if God even exists anymore.

I thought a lot about how this could have happened since I believe that if you're living righteously and, "if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 10:4).

But I've come to realize that I actually do understand how this happens better than I initially thought-and the reason is pavilions.

You see, there's been a pavilion covering me for almost a year. My own anguished prayers of pleading during that time seemed to be falling on deft ears. As my suffering dragged on unabated, my heart was tempted to anger with the Lord. I felt empty, frozen. Even though the "feeling" was missing I continued going through the motions drawing heavily on the strength of the stalwart people around me. My own desires, rather than a feeling of "Thy will be done", were driving how I was expending my energy and best efforts. As a result I felt more exhausted than at any other time in my life. Not only had I erected a pavilion but I was using all of my strength to keep it positioned squarely over my head.

At this juncture, my own desires were incrementally leading me away from Heavenly Father and I know if I'd allowed myself to stay on that path where inevitably it would have gone. However, over the past few months, as I renewed my efforts again to make scriptures, prayer, church and temple priorities in my life, my heart started softening. Almost imperceptibly, I was submitting my will to His and I was beginning to feel his care and closeness once more. The last of my pavilion came down this weekend, sitting in the ER with Hunter. The result: peace at last. There is still apprehension in my heart for the future, but I'm resolved to make the decision to choose faith, one day at a time.

The material point is this. If God feels distant and inaccessible, the problem is on our end. Always on our end. He may be trying to manifest truth to us, but if we've erected a barrier between ourselves and God then the truth can't reach us. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this is something that each person must learn for themself. And for now I'm just happy to be on the other side of that lesson.