Pavilions

"The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of 'Thy will be done,' create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time." -Pres. Eyring (Oct 2012 GC)

I've been thinking about this concept of pavilions the past few days. I read a blog post recently written by an LDS woman who spent the majority of her post outlining how strictly she adhered to "certain standards" such as regular scripture study, morning and evening prayer and temple attendance, during a crisis of her faith. She made it pretty clear that she'd done everything she was supposed to as she sought answers for some difficult questions she was wrestling with. She followed the prescribed "formula" that Church leaders have long assured members will help them find clarity and peace. However, the opposite occurred for the author of the post. To make a long story short she left the church and is no longer sure if God even exists anymore.

I thought a lot about how this could have happened since I believe that if you're living righteously and, "if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 10:4).

But I've come to realize that I actually do understand how this happens better than I initially thought-and the reason is pavilions.

You see, there's been a pavilion covering me for almost a year. My own anguished prayers of pleading during that time seemed to be falling on deft ears. As my suffering dragged on unabated, my heart was tempted to anger with the Lord. I felt empty, frozen. Even though the "feeling" was missing I continued going through the motions drawing heavily on the strength of the stalwart people around me. My own desires, rather than a feeling of "Thy will be done", were driving how I was expending my energy and best efforts. As a result I felt more exhausted than at any other time in my life. Not only had I erected a pavilion but I was using all of my strength to keep it positioned squarely over my head.

At this juncture, my own desires were incrementally leading me away from Heavenly Father and I know if I'd allowed myself to stay on that path where inevitably it would have gone. However, over the past few months, as I renewed my efforts again to make scriptures, prayer, church and temple priorities in my life, my heart started softening. Almost imperceptibly, I was submitting my will to His and I was beginning to feel his care and closeness once more. The last of my pavilion came down this weekend, sitting in the ER with Hunter. The result: peace at last. There is still apprehension in my heart for the future, but I'm resolved to make the decision to choose faith, one day at a time.

The material point is this. If God feels distant and inaccessible, the problem is on our end. Always on our end. He may be trying to manifest truth to us, but if we've erected a barrier between ourselves and God then the truth can't reach us. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this is something that each person must learn for themself. And for now I'm just happy to be on the other side of that lesson.

One year older and wiser too! Happy birthday...

...to you! Bryson's birthday is actually tomorrow but we had our little family party tonight. The weekend festivities I had planned had to be postponed because all our kids have been sick, including Hunter who spent the day in the ER on Friday. Still, it was fun to take some time tonight and celebrate the man who blesses our little family so much each and every day.

The traditional Bennett birthday cake picture. It was a blazing inferno by the time we got all the kids in place. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting-in case you were wondering.

So glad Hunter was home to celebrate his daddy's birthday.

Presents: Skull candy headphones, new socks, iTunes card

A little update from Arizona

So, I've been thinking about reviving the ol' blog for a while now. For one thing, Bryson gave me his old work laptop so I'll be able to sit and blog on the couch in the evenings. I almost never use the computer in my little office because I check my email and do other internet stuff (can't really use it to blog though) on my iPhone. Plus, once I sit down on the couch after everyone is tucked into bed, any activity that requires me to move from said spot is just too darn exhausting. I guess the other reason I've taken such a long hiatus from blogging is because I've sort of been turned off by the whole concept of it. After reading various posts that involved sharing with absolutely no filter whatsoever mistaken as candor, it soured things for me for a bit. (And made me worry about if I've ever been guilty of doing it!) Still, I've decided to give blogging a try again. Especially now that we live in a different state than most of our family and friends I can't deny that blogging is a great way to stay connected. So here's a little update on us, but mostly on my cute kidlets.

Happy Hunter.

When we moved to Arizona we decided to put Hunter in school. (He's never attended consistently in the past.) I wanted him to get to experience more of life outside the walls of his bedroom. To have the opportunity to interact with people outside of his immediate family. To give other people the chance to get to know him and feel of his sweet spirit. Facilitating his school experience has not been easy. Months have passed during which he was either too sick to attend or unable to because of conflicts with the district over Hunter's care at school. Still, when he was able to go it was really neat to watch him get on the bus in the morning and head off to school for some adventures. I think the best way to describe the past year with Hunter is that it's been really hard to see the forest for the trees. But I know the Lord has been there every step of the way, just waiting on me while I try and find my way. And I think I am.

Picking up Leynie at preschool. Here she is with her friends-little cuties!

My sweet Eleyna is growing and learning so quickly. It took her a while to settle in at her new preschool after we moved, but she's really blossomed the last couple of months. She's learning how to read right now and it's amazing. She's so fun to hang out with. When we run errands together we talk and laugh and have a great time. Today she asked me what a miscreant was (she heard the word on Ice Age) so we hashed that out over our muffins at Paradise. She's my bestie.

This kiddo makes me smile everyday.

Rock makes me scratch his back whenever I put him down for a nap or bed. He says, "Scratch back me mama." He loves going to the QuikTrip with his daddy for donuts. He tells Bryson when he walks in the door after work to go lay down so they can "fight". He routinely body slams Bria when they're playing which is so cute and frustrating. He gives the sweetest kisses and the way he says I love you is too precious. He loves hippos and "tick-tocks" (alligators). He is Eleyna's little shadow and wants to do everything that she does. I can't get enough of this kid.

Is this a tired face or what?

This little girl is my blessing from heaven. She is the sweetest, happiest little person. She has been a balm for soul during a really trying time. She's in to everything right now and on the verge of walking. She crawls as fast as her little arms and legs will carry her chasing her big brother and sister around the house. Trying to keep up with those two is exhausting work. Love this picture with her little tongue hanging out!

Life is good here in Arizona. We are very blessed. I love my babies and I sure feel lucky to hang out with these tiny people every day and to be married to their daddy. He's the best. Seriously. Whelp, until next time.